Back to Me- (Finding My Happy)

Time to get:
BACK TO ME.

Here I am, unemployed. It is a strange word to me, it makes me think that I am defined in that way by other people. But I know I am so much more. Being unemployed is almost a cause in my opinion, though the effects of the term is something totally different. Just two weeks ago I was let go from my job. Three years ago it was my everything, first job out of college. It transformed into a merged mess and I needed a way out. I was given one, unexpectedly. Now, I am still struggling to find the right words to describe it to friends who don't know and any potential employers who may inquire.

Laid off, let go, dismissed, terminated, given the boot, the heave ho! I don't know what is the proper way to announce being without a job. Jobless. I am beginning to become aware of this, day by day. It is a feeling that sucks. Most days I feel elated to be away from a place that gave me a year-long headache, I can enjoy my summer now. Then the days begin to turn into, "I have no money. This unemployment check may not be enough. How can I pay for this or that." I know that this is a temporary shift, not permanent. Though my mood changes every second of the day. I find myself saying MY job or referring to it as if I am still there. I know the transition and change will take time. I felt that after the first week I was over it. But here at week two I am feeling a bit stuck.

I am glad to be rid of the constant questions of where I was headed at the organization, but now after the storm has me a bit weary and agitated. I really am THRILLED to be out, the job was no longer for me and there was no growth in my future there. But again, here and now I am struggling with what to do next, what am I good at, who will hire me, is it the best fit, is it worth applying? Now I have a new set of constant questions that have consumed my brain. I am trying to take this "time off" to reflect, relax, and re-charge. I need this break I know, though I don't want to get too laxed to the point where the motivation has stopped, my job searching has slowed down, and my day to day routine is engulfed by television and sleep. True, I know myself, I am not quite a lazy person, the success fire within me has been burning for a long time. Now I have been unleashed to spread my talents and go after my dreams. But what has me hesitant? What am I afraid of? I think I have been putting two much pressure on what I should be doing and not enough attention on what makes the most sense and is healthy for me. Two weeks in and I already feel like I should have a job by now, at least an interview!

Note to self: Slow down! Give yourself a little more credit. You need this time to lay low and get back to yourself. Find what makes YOU happy, not what others are doing or the success and new beginnings they are facing. Get back to you, figuring out what makes Elishia smile, what makes her light up. There wasn't a better time to leave the job, it was something that needed to be done. But your calling is just around the corner, change comes in phases, it takes time. However, what you do in that time is up to you. Take it easy, write your thoughts down more, visit places you didn't have the time to see before, read/finish the books you've had on your shelf for months, try your best to save the money you'll get (it's going to be hard), don't write something off that you haven't even begun to start yet, pray daily, get back to your positive affirmations for the day, look in the mirror again without pointing out your flaws, except this change in your own way, not the way everyone else says you should.

Get back to you.

The you that makes others laugh.

The you that tries your hands at things you'd never attempt to try before.

The you that can create magic and galliant words that leap from page to page.

The you that said 6 months ago you wouldn't let a setback define your worth.

The you that lets out a few tears every now and again, telling yourself it is ok to cry.

The you that wants to succeed with every inch of your being.

I want to get back to me, finding my happy. I know that the hunt is going to be a difficult one and the answers will not just fall into my lap. Here I am, starting, not quite starting over, but starting new, fresh, beginning something I've never faced before. A healthier me relies on what I put into my body and what I release into the atmosphere.

My free time now really is space and opportunity, I long to fill it, my way, happily. 


From our hearts to yours,

*E&E

Posted by: Elishia

What It Takes

We all can get down in a slump where our shoulders seem tense, we don't walk as tall and our mood is simply unattached. As I have been swept into a whirlwind of thoughts I have to wonder, what's it all worth and is it healthy to continue feeling this way? My own personal battle with figuring out my career is something that I have been fighting for, for quite some time, and although the war is not yet won or finished, I have to find a way to get past this gnawing issue, put back on my steel armor and progress.

I went to a workshop this past weekend, one was about the not heard enough issue of Black Mental Health in communities. It had me thinking of a time where my outer appearance was showing a "together" Elishia when inside I was screaming for someone to help me. Often times culturally my race can shy away from the well-being of our mental state and pushes other alternatives as a means to combat an inwardly wailing mind. Throughout my young life I have been told to either pray about a problem or not to dwell on past hurts and emotions. It wasn't until the hospitalization of my mother (who has M.S.) last summer of 2011 that I fully realized I could no longer handle my screeching thoughts on my own. And while my mother was gaining her strength back to return home, I had been aching for someone who didn't know me to listen. My sister Ericka helped me find a therapist that I could talk to, I was hesitant to even go. I still had the mindset that I could handle everything on my own and that I could figure out my own problems. And though after a few short sessions for about a month, I had understood the importance of sanity.

The therapist thought I was more than likely dealing with some attachment disorder, and also my trouble in embracing change. I was not quite on the manic side, but I was borderline dealing with depression, depressed by the drastic transitions at my job, home life, trusting men, believing more in myself, the list could go on. The great thing about my mental state of mind is that I have a strong will to get myself out of a rut and move on, I am capable of doing it on my own. The therapist felt that I could end my sessions earlier than I planned. He was not concerned for the safety of myself or others. Despite the sessions coming to a close he encouraged me to continue writing my thoughts down, as a writer he said that form of expression would help me. However it has taken some time, time that I am still clocking now. And while therapy is something I feel I could try again if needed, I feel that in some way I can re-shape my life and hold onto being happy. Of course having a circle of family and friends by my side is key to my confidence improving.

Being healthy isn't always about eating habits or workout regimens. Sometimes it is the habits and regimens of our minds that we can sometimes neglect and forget that our medulla's need to be worked on and healthy as well. Your health is just that, your own. If you are dealing with personal issues I cannot press therapy on anyone and insist they seek outside of their circles for help. I know for me, it was prevalent and helpful. Today I continue to work on my well-being and a healthy heart, it has been so tough to rise above the questions and sometimes no answers, but where my weaknesses appear, my strength is uprooted and and overshadows the negative. It is hard work but I want to be better so bad, I couldn't possibly not fight for a positive change. Armor in tow, I have what it takes.  


Posted by: *Elishia

From our hearts to yours,

E&E