A Burning Heart

Here, today, I am eager to explore more of myself. When the new year of 2013 arrived I felt powerful, and energized. I did not make any resolutions just mental notes on improvement and how I could better tackle the year ahead. But just three days into the new age of 2013 I caught a monstrous virus. It was quite scary because it led me to take two trips to the emergency room, complaints of nausea, palpitations of my heart and then a burning sensation that scared me to pieces. As I began to get over the virus I was still slightly "sick" about something. I felt like I had this deep dark secret to reveal but didn't know how to speak it out loud.

What troubled me was in the midst of getting the unwanted virus out of my system I was flooded with so many emotions. I sincerely thought something was "wrong" with me for I could not pinpoint what exactly was going on with me. I referred to various health sites for answers of what was happening, checking the symptoms of different illnesses and thinking, "Is this what I have?" The virus threw so much out of wack for me, it was frightening. Living at home with my parents led me to be freakishly attached to my mom. I always like to be around her but this time, upon getting sick and even after, I wanted her to be near me practically at all times. It got to the point where I wanted her to sleep in my bed or just sit by me in a chair and comfort me.

Her presence as well as my father's made me feel safe. Curiosity of this foreign illness continued and I was starting to feel paranoid, panic, and pressure from my own brain. The mind is definitely a powerful being. I kept thinking about death, time moving on too quickly for me to hop on and grasp it, feeling alone sometimes even with people around me. Soft everyday sounds appeared boisterous, driving in my own car I prayed I would not have a panic attack, that I would get to where ever I was headed safely without issue. It took me a few weeks after the virus to even feel comfortable driving. I was terrified of my own self. And I didn't know why.

I began to ponder and really think to myself, "What is going on?" So many things came up. One being me currently unemployed. I remember feeling so stuck and powerless while at home regaining my strength. There were days where I did not want to leave the house, fearful that I might catch something from the flu ridden streets of the city. I felt like if I had a job to go to after getting better then maybe I wouldn't be so depressed and unsure of everything around me. Instead I was home-bound, anxious to get out but I felt like I didn't know how. I wanted to be reassured, embraced by my sister whom I thought wasn't there for me enough. She would generally be my go to person in a chaos filled frenzy, but her life is different now, so I didn't feel like I could reach out to her. Though her and I discussed my fears and feelings, at the time I was filled with more questions and no guidance to fix my new found panic.

Upon countless back and forth doctor visits and tests done to narrow down what was going on with me my doctor asked, "Are you anxious about something?" I hadn't been asked that by anyone. And I did not know quite how to respond. My doctor's take that the acid reflux I had been experiencing was long gone, but now there's still something bothering me. He asked if I wanted to talk to someone at their office. I agreed. It was interesting that for my thesis I am writing about mental health and the different dynamics that accompany this notion as a Black woman. And here I was, the scared, semi-panicked young woman afraid to voice her thoughts when she almost never held back.

My ability to see all that January was as a lesson and a platform for positive change, took some prepping. I found it so hard to see the bright side that could be. But I did not want to be stuck anymore, fearing everything. Being secure is something I will always want, but being sound and capable is what I know that I need. For my own self-worth and expression.

I can already see something great brewing for myself, my family, friends. My challenge is to stop second guessing, go to bed at a decent hour, keep writing, apply to more jobs, and think of nothing but new. New frame of my identity, new lessons, new beginnings, new love, new power. I am not starting over. I am continuing, sustaining, progressing. I have a burning heart to liftoff and evolve.

From my heart to yours,

*E

Holiday jitters

Twenty-twelve, seems like just yesterday I was watching the Times Square ball drop on television as I welcomed in the new year. Quite often many of us come in with certain goals, expectations and resolutions of how the new year will be different, but of course life mostly has it's own agenda. But that doesn't mean we should stop fighting. Sure, some annoyances in our lives are still occurring, still festering or still hurtful but why give up?

As I tune in to the latest evils of our world on the news, it gets a little harder to remain hopeful. If a man can walk into a school and kill adults and children, what's next? Better yet I don't even want to consider what else someone mentally ill or hateful may be planning. But it does make you consider, what can I do to move beyond the negativity, accomplish goals like our lives depended on it. I realize every day there are certain happenings that I should not just lie down and accept, I can evolve past it. The more I speak dreams and aspirations into existence, the more I begin to believe it will happen. I think that is something many people should try to do more of, SPEAK IT, CLAIM IT, OWN IT like it's already yours!

With Christmas Day approaching a week from today and as my bank account sings a different holiday tune, the nervousness and jitters kicked in. I won't be able to "go all out" like I normally would have. My financial circumstances have changed and buying tons of presents to sit under the tree will be different this year. But I am trying to do my best to purchase at least one gift for my immediate family. If not, it is what it is. I can't allow myself to break the bank any longer. But when I think about it, presents should not be that essential especially with the strain many people are experiencing financially.

Even if you somewhat "have it" to buy, isn't just being around close family and friends enough? As I get older and my "All I Want for Christmas" list becomes shorter and as simple as socks and slippers, why press it? Of course I appreciate any gift, but I am not going to whine about it like I did once as a child at 7 when my mom didn't get me the "My size Barbie" I asked for, :-). But today as a young adult, I just want support, comfort and to be happy.

So as we say adios to 2012, let us try to take a breather, recount on what was to paint an improved what can be. Happy Holidays!

From my heart to yours,

*Lish

Holidays & Hearts

Tis the season to be...JOLLY, is it? That's right because everyday outside of the holiday spirit we should all try to be a little more happier. I came across a right on the money message from one of my favorite tweeters, Rev Run. He said:

 

 

 

I know I too struggle with balancing what I have control over and what I don't, that is life. But to take extra initiative to be better and rejoicing can be hard, though not as hard as we'd like to make it. It probably takes more energy to be angry or sad than it does to be happy. Think about it, happiness generally doesn't take much effort, it just, is. So in honor of the "holiday spirit" society says we ought to have, let's take a switch on that and allow ourselves an "everyday spirit" where we give more focus on "What's coming" as Rev Run tweeted.

 

I have three suggestions to get you going to a healthier place this season, despite certain woes (lack of/no money for gifts, relationship issues, job problems, too much schoolwork, not enough pay, good pay but blow money too fast, feeling insecure, frustrated about family) the list can go on, and on, and on, and on....try this:

 

Sweet Tooth

 

Regardless if it is Christmastime or not, eat some of your favorite chocolate. A piece or two is good for you. http://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/benefits-of-chocolate

 

Craft time

 

Start a small project that you can do after work or any day you have time. Whether it is finally tidying up your closet, decorating your home for the holiday or crafting a special gift for a loved one. Keep your hands busy and your mind off of the "sidebar stuff" I like to call it.

 

Dance, Dance

 

A little bit of movement never hurt anyone, low and behold you get a little workout in, a fun one at that. If you own a Wii game console or XBox, whichever system you may have, pop in a dance game and get your body moving! I plan to purchase the latest favorite "Hip Hop Dance Experience" for Wii. I hear it is a blast. You don't have to worry about any judgment or nailing all of the moves, just have fun!

 

From my heart to yours,

 

*Elishia  

Jumpstart your heart

A lot of times when we as a society think about our health we link food as part of being healthy. While the food we consume is important, so is what we release and interject outside of our bodies. For instance, you could be on the greatest diet, or have an awesome workout routine, but if you aren't taking care of the outer exterior it's almost as if something is missing. What about the clothes that you wear, the company you keep or the bad habits that keep on resurfacing? I find that there are things we can do for ourselves to project a healthier you. Here are a few starting points...

Dress it up

Correct me if I am wrong but dressing up or at least taking better care in your appearance can make you feel more cheerful. On the days when you'd rather wear sweats or a less than colorful outfit, try adding more colors into your wardrobe, get your hair looking halfway decent and you're good. For me, colors like red, yellow, emerald green etc. make me feel better. If black or grays or darker tones are more your style that's fine, but add accessories to heighten your look. Dress yourself up and take on a better attitude.

Recipe for change

This week I created my very own homemade pizza, it was my first time doing that. I had this idea to make a dish that isn't already prepared, such as fast food or a restaurant. With my flattened pizza dough, I added my favorite pizza topping; sausage, plus shredded cheese and tomato sauce and baked my pizza. As the dough raised so did my momentum. The cheese began to melt and I kept a close watch on the oven, not wanting the pizza to burn. In minutes it was ready, it tasted great and I was proud. I am looking forward to making banana bread next!

Giving thanks

Now some may be thinking, "I always give thanks...." or "I am grateful for what I have." But you have to ask yourself, are you only thankful when something good happens? A good friend of mine shared with me about saying aloud the things you are grateful for, no matter how small. You could give yourself a cutoff such as "10 things I am grateful for" and see where this takes you. I have been trying this and to my own surprise I have gone beyond 10. You don't have to be thankful for obvious things like, running water in your home or food on the table for yourself or family, while those are great, think on a smaller scale. This morning I said aloud, "I am grateful for being honest with myself." Try this positive mantra before you get your day going, or while in route to work or just going about your day. It can be a huge stress reliever and even remind you that being thankful doesn't mean just saying it but believing it.

From my heart to yours,

*LISH

Congrats to ME!

As I sit here looking at this health blog I created I realize that my last post was in June. You can't begin to know how badly I've wanted to write something (as a writer I have ideas constantly!) but I could not bring myself to log-in, I had too much on my mind. At the time of my last post I talked a lot about finding myself again and getting back to what makes me happy. And while I am still somewhat in that frame of mind I have made major progress, there I said it. It is so hard for me to even pat myself on the back sometimes, I think we all should do more of that. So many times we're congratulating someone else on a monumental occasion or happening for them, but what about ourselves? What have YOU done that's great! I am beginning to understand that even small steps and accomplishments that I have made are positive and good for me. In the last few weeks I have battled with accepting all of the greatness that is beginning and I am sure of more that is coming my way. Crazy as it sounds I wrote a note to myself saying that being completely and thoroughly in and out HAPPY scares me. It's not that I've been downright mentally in pain or anything but when things are going right or if I know I am headed in the right direction, it scares me.

How can you be scared of being happy you ask? Well, when various fears and wants are constantly on your brain and low and behold something positive sweeps down and brightens your life, you might think, "Wait huh, is this for me?" For instance, in the last couple of weeks I've published an awesome article about Black ballerinas of the past for Soul Train, finally narrowed down my thesis topic for school, changed my daily schedule into a big deal so that it keeps me busy and sane, plus started and completed TWO sewing projects I assigned to myself. It has been small things, but they're big to me. Just the other day a woman commented on my hair color at a cafe', she told me it looked great on me! Things like that make me smile, totally unexpected things makes me smile like, four little kids that I signaled to cross the street while I was driving today and they said in unison, "Thank you!" THAT made me smile. What I am learning is that my own happiness has been initiated by me. It's not anything someone handed to me or magically granted a wish for me I have begun the transformation because I needed to. So in honor of congratulating myself, here are some of the things I am proud of that have made me smile the last two weeks.

Chef-boy-r-ME

Lately I've been trying to try out more cooking recipes that I come across. I'm not much of a cook, (though I make some delicious pancakes) visiting the kitchen isn't a major strand in my DNA. However like making pancakes when I want something particular I usually attempt to make it. So, I found a recipe for cinnamon-sugar donuts and guess what I made them! I had my ingredients prepared, classic R&B playing in my earphones and viola I completed the quick snack.

I'm just a sewing machine!

I hadn't used my sewing machine since graduating college three years ago, I hadn't had much time prior to now to really focus on making anything. I had been a fabric maverick starting in high school and it carried over to college when I had free time to make a garment or two. This time around I wanted new curtains for my bedroom, I found a beautiful printed fabric with a reddish brown background with gold leaves designed all over the fabric. Within 2 days I sewed my curtain and it now hangs famously against my window. My next project, pajama pants, I'll be finished them by the end of the week!

Published

As I mentioned my article appeared on the website of Soul Train. I was thrilled to see my work, and though I've had a few pieces published at other magazines and newspapers, this piece was special to me. As a dancer I wondered a lot about Black female dancers who have built the foundation for many. There untold stories touched me and I wanted to share it, I am thankful to have had the opportunity to spread a part of dance history to the masses.

Time Quest

Last week I was given a great gift, my thesis advisor acknowledged the progress I am making and she wanted me to begin a more structured schedule for myself. I've never been one to stick to a planner let alone use one. How did I survive college without really using one! I usually depend on my own memory or storing reminders on my cellphone. But that doesn't always work if you forget what your plans were for the day or if the alarm goes off and you hit "dismiss." Now I write out my schedule the night before, I jot down the main tasks that are a priority. I have been writing 2 hours a day and trying to give myself more room to achieve my tasks. And while not every single item since this past Monday has been checked off I still feel impressed by my ability to structure my day better. I can say that by the end of a given dayso far maybe only one or two items went unfinished. Though I cannot worry about that, I just want to stick to a cohesive schedule, and of course have time for me.

What have you done lately that you're proud of? Congratulate yourself, it'll make you feel happy and of course....there's a healthy heart.

*Lish

E&E

Back to Me- (Finding My Happy)

Time to get:
BACK TO ME.

Here I am, unemployed. It is a strange word to me, it makes me think that I am defined in that way by other people. But I know I am so much more. Being unemployed is almost a cause in my opinion, though the effects of the term is something totally different. Just two weeks ago I was let go from my job. Three years ago it was my everything, first job out of college. It transformed into a merged mess and I needed a way out. I was given one, unexpectedly. Now, I am still struggling to find the right words to describe it to friends who don't know and any potential employers who may inquire.

Laid off, let go, dismissed, terminated, given the boot, the heave ho! I don't know what is the proper way to announce being without a job. Jobless. I am beginning to become aware of this, day by day. It is a feeling that sucks. Most days I feel elated to be away from a place that gave me a year-long headache, I can enjoy my summer now. Then the days begin to turn into, "I have no money. This unemployment check may not be enough. How can I pay for this or that." I know that this is a temporary shift, not permanent. Though my mood changes every second of the day. I find myself saying MY job or referring to it as if I am still there. I know the transition and change will take time. I felt that after the first week I was over it. But here at week two I am feeling a bit stuck.

I am glad to be rid of the constant questions of where I was headed at the organization, but now after the storm has me a bit weary and agitated. I really am THRILLED to be out, the job was no longer for me and there was no growth in my future there. But again, here and now I am struggling with what to do next, what am I good at, who will hire me, is it the best fit, is it worth applying? Now I have a new set of constant questions that have consumed my brain. I am trying to take this "time off" to reflect, relax, and re-charge. I need this break I know, though I don't want to get too laxed to the point where the motivation has stopped, my job searching has slowed down, and my day to day routine is engulfed by television and sleep. True, I know myself, I am not quite a lazy person, the success fire within me has been burning for a long time. Now I have been unleashed to spread my talents and go after my dreams. But what has me hesitant? What am I afraid of? I think I have been putting two much pressure on what I should be doing and not enough attention on what makes the most sense and is healthy for me. Two weeks in and I already feel like I should have a job by now, at least an interview!

Note to self: Slow down! Give yourself a little more credit. You need this time to lay low and get back to yourself. Find what makes YOU happy, not what others are doing or the success and new beginnings they are facing. Get back to you, figuring out what makes Elishia smile, what makes her light up. There wasn't a better time to leave the job, it was something that needed to be done. But your calling is just around the corner, change comes in phases, it takes time. However, what you do in that time is up to you. Take it easy, write your thoughts down more, visit places you didn't have the time to see before, read/finish the books you've had on your shelf for months, try your best to save the money you'll get (it's going to be hard), don't write something off that you haven't even begun to start yet, pray daily, get back to your positive affirmations for the day, look in the mirror again without pointing out your flaws, except this change in your own way, not the way everyone else says you should.

Get back to you.

The you that makes others laugh.

The you that tries your hands at things you'd never attempt to try before.

The you that can create magic and galliant words that leap from page to page.

The you that said 6 months ago you wouldn't let a setback define your worth.

The you that lets out a few tears every now and again, telling yourself it is ok to cry.

The you that wants to succeed with every inch of your being.

I want to get back to me, finding my happy. I know that the hunt is going to be a difficult one and the answers will not just fall into my lap. Here I am, starting, not quite starting over, but starting new, fresh, beginning something I've never faced before. A healthier me relies on what I put into my body and what I release into the atmosphere.

My free time now really is space and opportunity, I long to fill it, my way, happily. 


From our hearts to yours,

*E&E

Posted by: Elishia

What It Takes

We all can get down in a slump where our shoulders seem tense, we don't walk as tall and our mood is simply unattached. As I have been swept into a whirlwind of thoughts I have to wonder, what's it all worth and is it healthy to continue feeling this way? My own personal battle with figuring out my career is something that I have been fighting for, for quite some time, and although the war is not yet won or finished, I have to find a way to get past this gnawing issue, put back on my steel armor and progress.

I went to a workshop this past weekend, one was about the not heard enough issue of Black Mental Health in communities. It had me thinking of a time where my outer appearance was showing a "together" Elishia when inside I was screaming for someone to help me. Often times culturally my race can shy away from the well-being of our mental state and pushes other alternatives as a means to combat an inwardly wailing mind. Throughout my young life I have been told to either pray about a problem or not to dwell on past hurts and emotions. It wasn't until the hospitalization of my mother (who has M.S.) last summer of 2011 that I fully realized I could no longer handle my screeching thoughts on my own. And while my mother was gaining her strength back to return home, I had been aching for someone who didn't know me to listen. My sister Ericka helped me find a therapist that I could talk to, I was hesitant to even go. I still had the mindset that I could handle everything on my own and that I could figure out my own problems. And though after a few short sessions for about a month, I had understood the importance of sanity.

The therapist thought I was more than likely dealing with some attachment disorder, and also my trouble in embracing change. I was not quite on the manic side, but I was borderline dealing with depression, depressed by the drastic transitions at my job, home life, trusting men, believing more in myself, the list could go on. The great thing about my mental state of mind is that I have a strong will to get myself out of a rut and move on, I am capable of doing it on my own. The therapist felt that I could end my sessions earlier than I planned. He was not concerned for the safety of myself or others. Despite the sessions coming to a close he encouraged me to continue writing my thoughts down, as a writer he said that form of expression would help me. However it has taken some time, time that I am still clocking now. And while therapy is something I feel I could try again if needed, I feel that in some way I can re-shape my life and hold onto being happy. Of course having a circle of family and friends by my side is key to my confidence improving.

Being healthy isn't always about eating habits or workout regimens. Sometimes it is the habits and regimens of our minds that we can sometimes neglect and forget that our medulla's need to be worked on and healthy as well. Your health is just that, your own. If you are dealing with personal issues I cannot press therapy on anyone and insist they seek outside of their circles for help. I know for me, it was prevalent and helpful. Today I continue to work on my well-being and a healthy heart, it has been so tough to rise above the questions and sometimes no answers, but where my weaknesses appear, my strength is uprooted and and overshadows the negative. It is hard work but I want to be better so bad, I couldn't possibly not fight for a positive change. Armor in tow, I have what it takes.  


Posted by: *Elishia

From our hearts to yours,

E&E