Different Drum

Today I had my session with my behavioral therapist, we hadn't met in 6 weeks so there was lots to catch up on. Before graduating from graduate school in May we had a session and scheduled in to meet in another two weeks but upon the doctor cancelling that session and another two weeks of waiting to plan another meeting time went on, but we're back on and that's the great thing! So our 30 minutes of time together today went well. I basically filled the doctor in on all that has been happening with me since we last met, some of the highlights then some of the not so glamorous moments. But by the end of the session she had noted my progression and that I seem happier. Music to my at one point muted ears but I heard her clearly and I believe it too.

It can be strange sometimes, who knows why, that when things in your life begin to go well or what used to bother you doesn't really anymore you may begin to question the positive change. As if there is a hesitancy in accepting the change even when it is something wonderful. It's not that I question my emerging happiness but I am learning to understand it and realize that I have earned it and there should be no caution to the improved change. There has been a slight hurdle that had been bothering me for quite some time with my father and our distanced relationship. And though words have been exchanged and my feelings expressed I still almost feel a bit leery about it, I want my emotions to be taken seriously and not be in vain. But in all bumps on any road I am on I remain alert about it but I try to not let them haunt me.

As I type these words I am listening to one of my favorite singers, Celine Dion and her powerful voice serenading my ears with "My Heart Will Go On." Odd (or is it) that this is playing as I think about all of the heartache I went through in the last year, being let go from my job, questioning my own capabilities, figuring out the meaning of friendship and love among family and opening my heart to someone new who comes along. Yes, the heart can go on, it can heal, grow stronger, beat to a new and changed drum. So while my life isn't fully "pieced" together, I most certainly am not the same young woman I was last year, 5 months ago, 4 weeks ago or even yesterday. I am still me but continuing my own walk, only looking back to see my footprints and how far I have come.

From my heart to yours,

*Lish

Funny Money

I sit here in bed pondering about money. Not having much of it, needing more of it, wanting to earn it, reluctant to spend it, money has been driving me crazy. There are so many phrases to describe money whether its "money makes the world go round," "the more money you make, the more problems you see," "show me the money," the phrases can go on. But I wasn't always worried like this. 

There was a time when I had a full-time job and I didn't sweat how much money I had in my account or how much my bills were. I just paid what I needed to and tried to spend wisely. Today, I find myself inching out money down to my last few pennies, happily enlightened if I find a few bucks in my wallet. But what bugs me is how things got this way. Granted I am not fully employed right now so the money train has been slowed and makes very few stops at my favorite malls and extra-curricular places. So my funds aren't flowing as they used to be. I hold on and continue prayer that this lack of money times two shall pass. 

There are some days where I forget how much money I DON'T have and I'll pretend to live lavishly. That demeanor shifts soon when I check my bank account on my phone, I have an app for that (mistake or no?), constantly checking what's been withdrawn and patiently awaiting my " compensation funds" to deposit. 

I don't like to talk too lengthy about money with people I know or attempt to borrow any. Though I've been privy to give, I don't often lean towards IOU's. Especially with family, things get itchy, and not the itch some claim to get when they feel money is "coming" to them. It's the awkward itchy feeling you get when you either owe a family member or you have to resort to borrowing. It isn't fun.

And believe it or not the act, desire and craving more money or simply obtaining it can be a stressor. Stressed over money isn't healthy, ever. But in all fairness, the economy, lack of jobs, blah, blah, blah, the hunt to make and earn money becomes slimmer year after year. Granted those who are doing well for themselves and have a handle on their finances have no complaints, kudos. But when you're living paycheck to paycheck or have paid yet another set of bills for the month leaving you with a few dimes to rub together, money gets funny. 

The interesting part about that saying "money is funny," I'm not laughing. But day by day I try not to take an occasional slump to heart and get too serious and emotional about it. "You're gonna get it all back" my mother frequently informs me. But as I write this I'm beginning to think she doesn't necessarily mean money. 

Maybe it's the small wins and victories she's referring to. The positive blessings I will gain, that's what's coming. And that's not a bad thing. To be rich doesn't have to equal having money.

From my heart to yours...

Lish