In the middle

Have you ever been in a situation that had nothing or very little to do with you, but it affects you very closely? You try to be the voice of reason or peacemaker and yet you end up feeling hurt or in the middle. This is how I feel. It is a situation or pivotal time for me right now as I do my very best to focus on what my goals are personally and professionally. But I keep hitting these road blocks or detours. How did I become the scapegoat? It sucks because I do not want to be the excuse as to why individuals are trying to fake it for me. It's a hard discussion to full out disclose and though I have shared this personal present with some I still don't like even bringing it up. It just brings up so many hurtful feelings and it messes up my focus, throwing me off what is priority.

As I type this I feel anxious, disoriented and just blah. I woke up feeling pretty good, maybe somewhat tired but otherwise good. I am the type of person that even the slightest sign of negativity on someone else's end can bring down my mood almost instantly. Today I tried really hard to ignore said negativity and get back to the good mood I was in, but I couldn't block it and I was immediately upset and angry. And now I am trying to pick myself back up.

I prayed for about five minutes not long ago and I asked the Lord for many things but I prayed for the people around me. I prayed for their own strength, their humility, their possible need for forgiveness for their actions, and while I cannot cleanse someone else from their faults I felt the urge to pray for their mishaps. I know in my heart that this situation and impending decision is not my doing, I did not cause the friction. However, it is hurtful that I feel in the middle of this nonsense.

And so, for my own sanity and need to clear this current burning sensation of anxiety surrounding my chest I think that I need to move out of my home more swiftly than planned. No, I do not have the funds to do so but how else can I take that chance I need for ME to experience life as an adult, doing my own thing, exploring a new beginning without apology? In my eyes it is the ONLY way for everyone to be happy, not “sticking around” or attempting to “keep the peace” on my behalf. I cannot take the pressure and angst any longer.

I am ready to run, fly, on my own. I am desperately wanting to get enough cash to get me started, rent a room, and just BE. I am hopeful the restaurant job I went on an interview for is still available so that I have a job lined up. The manager wanted to hire me then back in April of this year but he was not certain of my capability to commute from a long distance away. Prayerfully my circumstances change and I can take on the challenge and new start in a new city.

As this blog surrounds the importance of health it is imperative that I reiterate that mentally one's well being IS serious. It is how we all function and deal with every day life. If I am sitting around down and out or constantly worrying about the “status” of a played out occurrence, how can I cope with it if I don't address it? Especially since I am confronted with it almost daily by those closest to me. I NEED my sanity, I WANT my undeniable happiness.

I no longer want to be in the middle. So I can't think of a better time to untie myself from the same and place myself in front, because I deserve it.

From my heart to yours,

-Lish