Let there be light

So here we are, the end of a year that will be known as last year in 2013. But for me known as: THE STRANGEST, HEARTWRENCHING, HAPPY, PROUD, SCARY, HUNGRY, UNSURE about everything year. I honestly have no clue where the months went, I can clearly feel myself in early January watching the ball drop with my parents and saying, "Yes 2013 is MY year!" But don't we all say that? Not that it can't be true but I began my year of 2013 so full of hope and drive that I never felt before. But just days after singing "Auld Lang Syne" I caught a horrible virus which led me to take about three different trips to the E.R., experiencing dehydration, crowded emergency rooms, visits to my primary doctor, a cardiologist, endocrinologist, therapist and then a gastro doctor, all to see what the heck was going on with me, and that was all in the month of January. I started to experience heart palpitations, anxiety and just weird thoughts like I was going to die, all of these fears came about after that virus. I had never experienced anything like it before and it terrified me. It got to the point where some nights I would sleep in the bed with my mom or she in my bed because I kept feeling so afraid and panicky about everything. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't feel like me, Elishia anymore.

After a number of doctor visits many came to the conclusion that I was fine and maybe the virus just threw some things in my body out of whack. Though I did start to experience heartburn right after the virus, again something I hadn't experienced before and it led me to think something was going on with my heart or something else was wrong! Finally after one more trip fast forwarding to April the gastro doctor decided/diagnosed me with GERD which essentially is dealing with acid reflux. It took me some time to have that settle in, I kept thinking, "How could I have that? I've never really had heartburn before?" And then there was the hunger, I would eat food (lots of food) and feel very hungry shortly after. The doctor didn't really have an answer for that. But he seemed certain about the GERD. Frankly I think it may all be in my head. But I have rolled with the GERD punches and take the medicine as prescribed. So 2013 began rough, the road of some gridlock, some jams, detours, I was all over the place.

But there were some major highlights:

From August 2012-April 2013 I diligently worked on and completed my 80 paged Master's thesis project!

Drove in May from Philly to Ohio and back for the first time to pick up my Grams who came to visit

In May 2013 I turned 26, presented my thesis, graduated with my degree

During the summer I spontaneously drove to Brooklyn/Coney Island New York for a day trip with my closest friend of 8 years, we had a blast

Alone I read some of my poetry at a spoken word night, just cause I felt like it

Went on two dates with two TOTALLY different guys, very interesting guys but nothing came of it (eh, plenty mo fish in the sea!)

Attended many job fairs and even some interviews this year

I was a book club instructor/lead counselor for girls ages 10-14 this summer at a camp

I have been freelance writing for one full year

My cousin Maggie got engaged then delivered her first child Felicity November 16th

My sister got proposed to this December, the 20th

After much procrastination I rearranged/cleaned out my closet, it's almost color coordinated :-)

Despite a decreased income I have been able to pay my bills and more importantly my car loan & insurance

Though my health insurance was cut shortly after, I made it to the dentist, no cavities!

To my surprise I got hired they day of my interview for a part-time job at a museum

My family's dynamic has been through changes but my parents have managed to keep the peace

Through many hurdles I can see and taste my goals career and personal coming to fruition

I am here, alive, able...

I admit I came too close to giving up, not on my life but just from trying to make the bigger goals happen. I had been feeling like maybe I wasn't ready for ALL that I want to accomplish. But that isn't true, I have never been more ready and able to accomplish the goals big and small that I set out for myself. It has been hard to sit in one place and really dissect what I should be doing and planning. I haven't given myself enough room and space to really say:

"You know what you got it, you CAN succeed. Forget who told you in the past that you couldn't. You've made things happen for yourself, you HAVE achieved so much and there is more to come."

 

 

There hasn't been a better time for me to give myself the room to grow, the room to believe in every little marble of my abilities. I was so caught up on what the last person said, or the last email rejection told me, this that and more. I have let setbacks and temporary happenings become a downfall, and that shouldn't be. But yesterday there was light on a shiny sun-filled morning in route to work I decided to play a little gospel music, something serene and comforting. I became so emotional by the words that I started to cry. Instead of stopping myself I let the tears fall, I closed my eyes and I thanked God for my life, I tapped my feet to the beat of the singer's voice and the words really spoke to me. I dabbed my face with an available tissue in my pocket and let the release happen, whether or not someone saw me I did not care. I needed to cry. I don't think I have ever stated that, but I did. And I didn't necessarily wake up angry but there was a weight on my shoulders and I needed it off.

 

I'm sure there is more releasing of emotions that I need to get out but yesterday I was content that I allowed myself to cry, to feel, to understand that it is ok to feel worry and strain but that I don't need to led it consume me. Yeah, I only have $11 bucks in my checking account and about $10 in my wallet, but with that I am rich in knowing that it ain't permanent. I am rich in believing that there is light after every tunnel, and I can see it, the fresh start, the big and small dreams coming true.

 

Light,

 

bright

 

beaming,

 

then there's me

 

shining.

 

 

From my heart to yours,

 

*Lish

Stress-bumps...in the road

Whenever I get a bump on my face I immediately think that I am not drinking enough water. But then there are times when I think there has to be some other reason why the bumps appear. It can be very random where all of a sudden I have a bump on my chin or somewhere on my forehead or along the side (or both sides) of my face. I never pay attention to when the bumps come for me to attribute the break-out to a particular "thing," i.e. my period, too much salt or sugar, not enough water etc. As I poked and occasionally prodded at the acne I stopped to think, "Is it stress?"

As a teenager I rarely saw pimples appear on my face, it would happen here and there. I recall my first official meeting with acne at 12 years old while getting ready for school one day and a strange brownish-red dot began to surface on my nose. I remember staring in the mirror in horror afraid that the entire 7th grade would notice. From then on I would on occasion scrub my face with an acne wash that frequently flashed across my television screen as a girl splashed clear water on her face and scrubbed. Her face looked clear and I believed mine would too. But I didn't keep up with the routine since the pimples would appear at random, most times when I had to show my face in public, just my luck! As I grew up and now into my new adult life this continued, pimple one day, then again whenever it decided to happen, never anything constant. Though lately the break-outs are performing for more than one show, I didn't buy a ticket and I'm not feeling it. But maybe that's it, because my life has been a strange puzzle, slowly trying to piece everything together sometimes leads me to not "feel" certain situations, which causes me to stress.

I decided to look further into this to see if maybe this every now and again acne was like before, or if some stresses around and within me is having an affect on my skin. With some research I realize how stress affects various parts of our bodies, from your face, your mood, maybe a headache here and there or possibly feeling tense. I've experienced many of those feelings/changes and I am beginning to pay attention. I am not saying that the second you get a pimple you are stressed, not at all. But, if a break-out happens more frequently maybe there's something to look in to. For me, this is the case. Though on the surface any bump I get doesn't look TOO bad, but sometimes they hurt or are in inconvenient places. Being embarrassed by them doesn't help anything.

Today I have two bumps, Mr. Chin and Mr. Fore, I am sure you get the gist why. However they made their debut a few days ago so now they are just about fading away. For Mr. Chin and Mr. Fore I haven't done anything but washed my face with an apricot scrub that I have because I am noticing that my skin is more oily than usual. So you have to discover what will work for you, ponder if your skin is acting up a bit too much and consider why it's happening. Like the new and strangeness of my life right now these stress-bumps...in the road are just that, bumps, hiccups, whatever you want to call it. Not permanent.

Consider these tips from WebMD: http://www.webmd.com/beauty/skin/the-effects-of-stress-on-your-skin

8 Ways to Reduce the Effects of Stress on Your Skin

Although it's impossible to avoid stress completely, there are ways to handle it better. Try these approaches:

1. Don't neglect your skin. Take care of your skin, even if you're tired or stressed.
2. Get regular exercise. It's good for your skin and the rest of your body.
3. Take time for yourself to do something you enjoy, even if you only have ten minutes. Take a bath or read an article. 
4. Take a walk around the block.
5. Practice stress management techniques, such as breathing exercises, yoga, meditation, or visual imagery.
6. Get enough sleep. Seven to eight hours each night is ideal.
7. Say no. It's OK to set limits and boundaries to lower your stress.
8. Talk to someone. Seek support from a friend or a professional therapist.

From my heart to yours,

*Lish

Digital Detox

For the next week I am going to reboot and jump start my mental well-being. I realized that as of late I allow social media to consume my life a little too much. It's weird, there was a time where only Facebook was the hottest thing smoking in college. Then Myspace caught on, YouTube, Twitter, now Instagram and a host of others are everywhere, free to download and devour. But I need a digital detox, bad. There are some days I admit where I can tune out the alerts or the urge to unlock my phone and go social media crazy. Then there are other days where I am too involved with generally someone else's life through pics, tweets and status updates. It begins to be technology overload!

Truth, no one is forcing me to go surfing on these sites and apps but it can be so addictive. And trust, there really is an app for just about everything under the sun. More and more especially in today's world social media is at the helm of publicizing businesses, a book you wrote, a job posting plus more. I too have utilized the internet and social media as a means to promote my writing by sharing with friends and family. Sometimes there really is no way around it, this is the signs of the techy times! But I am challenging myself to limit my involvement with the occasional maddening mayhem of repeated notifications, double-tapping, commenting and "liking" stuff. I get caught up in the charade of it all, sometimes monitoring my posts and somehow cyber gawking the pages and photos of people I don't even know! It gets like that.

My plan thus far is to only check my emails, job search, get some writing done and tackle anything else that doesn't involve picking up my phone or logging in to a social media site. Hmm, does blogging count? Ugh! Who knows, but writing is an outlet for me so, not sure what to say, :-/. Though I think the limiting of time spent or none at all on apps and such will do me good. I've got books I need to start and finish, naps to take, shows to watch on Netflix (like Scandal), and maybe do a word search or something. This may not be a full blown no technology detox (lets get real) but it is a start to a healthier mindset that isn't fixated on social media. A no technology detox would mean no television, phone or internet activity! I am sure I could try that out, but for now digitally detoxing.

I will "share" this on Facebook and "tweet" on Twitter, but only to possibly encourage someone else to take a step forward in stepping back from media madness. For a couple of days. :-)

From my heart to yours,

*Lish

Different Drum

Today I had my session with my behavioral therapist, we hadn't met in 6 weeks so there was lots to catch up on. Before graduating from graduate school in May we had a session and scheduled in to meet in another two weeks but upon the doctor cancelling that session and another two weeks of waiting to plan another meeting time went on, but we're back on and that's the great thing! So our 30 minutes of time together today went well. I basically filled the doctor in on all that has been happening with me since we last met, some of the highlights then some of the not so glamorous moments. But by the end of the session she had noted my progression and that I seem happier. Music to my at one point muted ears but I heard her clearly and I believe it too.

It can be strange sometimes, who knows why, that when things in your life begin to go well or what used to bother you doesn't really anymore you may begin to question the positive change. As if there is a hesitancy in accepting the change even when it is something wonderful. It's not that I question my emerging happiness but I am learning to understand it and realize that I have earned it and there should be no caution to the improved change. There has been a slight hurdle that had been bothering me for quite some time with my father and our distanced relationship. And though words have been exchanged and my feelings expressed I still almost feel a bit leery about it, I want my emotions to be taken seriously and not be in vain. But in all bumps on any road I am on I remain alert about it but I try to not let them haunt me.

As I type these words I am listening to one of my favorite singers, Celine Dion and her powerful voice serenading my ears with "My Heart Will Go On." Odd (or is it) that this is playing as I think about all of the heartache I went through in the last year, being let go from my job, questioning my own capabilities, figuring out the meaning of friendship and love among family and opening my heart to someone new who comes along. Yes, the heart can go on, it can heal, grow stronger, beat to a new and changed drum. So while my life isn't fully "pieced" together, I most certainly am not the same young woman I was last year, 5 months ago, 4 weeks ago or even yesterday. I am still me but continuing my own walk, only looking back to see my footprints and how far I have come.

From my heart to yours,

*Lish

Funny Money

I sit here in bed pondering about money. Not having much of it, needing more of it, wanting to earn it, reluctant to spend it, money has been driving me crazy. There are so many phrases to describe money whether its "money makes the world go round," "the more money you make, the more problems you see," "show me the money," the phrases can go on. But I wasn't always worried like this. 

There was a time when I had a full-time job and I didn't sweat how much money I had in my account or how much my bills were. I just paid what I needed to and tried to spend wisely. Today, I find myself inching out money down to my last few pennies, happily enlightened if I find a few bucks in my wallet. But what bugs me is how things got this way. Granted I am not fully employed right now so the money train has been slowed and makes very few stops at my favorite malls and extra-curricular places. So my funds aren't flowing as they used to be. I hold on and continue prayer that this lack of money times two shall pass. 

There are some days where I forget how much money I DON'T have and I'll pretend to live lavishly. That demeanor shifts soon when I check my bank account on my phone, I have an app for that (mistake or no?), constantly checking what's been withdrawn and patiently awaiting my " compensation funds" to deposit. 

I don't like to talk too lengthy about money with people I know or attempt to borrow any. Though I've been privy to give, I don't often lean towards IOU's. Especially with family, things get itchy, and not the itch some claim to get when they feel money is "coming" to them. It's the awkward itchy feeling you get when you either owe a family member or you have to resort to borrowing. It isn't fun.

And believe it or not the act, desire and craving more money or simply obtaining it can be a stressor. Stressed over money isn't healthy, ever. But in all fairness, the economy, lack of jobs, blah, blah, blah, the hunt to make and earn money becomes slimmer year after year. Granted those who are doing well for themselves and have a handle on their finances have no complaints, kudos. But when you're living paycheck to paycheck or have paid yet another set of bills for the month leaving you with a few dimes to rub together, money gets funny. 

The interesting part about that saying "money is funny," I'm not laughing. But day by day I try not to take an occasional slump to heart and get too serious and emotional about it. "You're gonna get it all back" my mother frequently informs me. But as I write this I'm beginning to think she doesn't necessarily mean money. 

Maybe it's the small wins and victories she's referring to. The positive blessings I will gain, that's what's coming. And that's not a bad thing. To be rich doesn't have to equal having money.

From my heart to yours...

Lish

Beauty Sleep and Bedtime Behaviors

 

Some nights, I feel like I am on a good bedtime schedule then I slack off and go to bed entirely too late. But if I am not tired yet, should I just force myself to lay down or...? I call myself getting "settled" and at least be in my bed comfortable, usually watching a little television, but that doesn't always happen. I'll wait until my eyes are extremely heavy before I actually "call it a night." Though I wonder, what is one to do when your bedtime routine is jumbled, leaving no room to actually count sheep and allow yourself to get rested?

Granted, the television is a distraction and being on the phone texting, web surfing and what have you, but for some it helps them ease into sleep. Though I will say the last two weeks I have been turning my TV off before bed and putting sleep music on, there's an app called "Sleep Bug." You can select a variety of sounds like the beach, classical, zen, weather sounds etc and even set a timer so that it doesn't play all night. And this has helped me. I find myself more calm as I drift off to sleep.

There are so many studies out they say we should all get at least 8 hours of sleep if I am not mistaken. For the most part I think I get that, but only because most days I get up during different times. I am usually awake by 8 or 9am. But in going to bed at midnight or close to 2 am, I would only be getting roughly 6 or 7 hours. With me currently unemployed, my former steady routine of going to bed and waking up at the same time has shifted. I never like to sleep in too late because I like to keep busy during the day, that's not the issue, it's catching enough Z's!

Now some people might be thinking, "You're not working right now, what does it matter?" or "I wish I could stay up a little longer or sleep in a little later, you've got it easy!" That may be true, I think I do put a lot of pressure on myself to keep active and going to bed at a decent hour, and while this isn't a bad regimen to keep up, I guess I could relax a bit. But nevertheless, getting a good amount of sleep is essential for everyone! It doesn't matter if a person is employed or not. They don't call it "beauty rest" for nothing. Our sleep habits affect us during the day. If you're burnt out from the night before and not getting as much sleep as you could, you may be crabby and not too upbeat during your day. We should all be waking up happy for many reasons (your life) and ready to take on the day, but moreover, sleeping well makes us feel and do better. We are better at our jobs, happier, more filled with ideas and of course energized!

So if you're like me and tired of being tired and of saying it all of the time, let's renew ourselves and get some rest! I don't know about you, but I like a nice beauty sleep-filled night as much as the next person :-). Have a GOOD night.

From my heart to yours,

-Lish

A Burning Heart

Here, today, I am eager to explore more of myself. When the new year of 2013 arrived I felt powerful, and energized. I did not make any resolutions just mental notes on improvement and how I could better tackle the year ahead. But just three days into the new age of 2013 I caught a monstrous virus. It was quite scary because it led me to take two trips to the emergency room, complaints of nausea, palpitations of my heart and then a burning sensation that scared me to pieces. As I began to get over the virus I was still slightly "sick" about something. I felt like I had this deep dark secret to reveal but didn't know how to speak it out loud.

What troubled me was in the midst of getting the unwanted virus out of my system I was flooded with so many emotions. I sincerely thought something was "wrong" with me for I could not pinpoint what exactly was going on with me. I referred to various health sites for answers of what was happening, checking the symptoms of different illnesses and thinking, "Is this what I have?" The virus threw so much out of wack for me, it was frightening. Living at home with my parents led me to be freakishly attached to my mom. I always like to be around her but this time, upon getting sick and even after, I wanted her to be near me practically at all times. It got to the point where I wanted her to sleep in my bed or just sit by me in a chair and comfort me.

Her presence as well as my father's made me feel safe. Curiosity of this foreign illness continued and I was starting to feel paranoid, panic, and pressure from my own brain. The mind is definitely a powerful being. I kept thinking about death, time moving on too quickly for me to hop on and grasp it, feeling alone sometimes even with people around me. Soft everyday sounds appeared boisterous, driving in my own car I prayed I would not have a panic attack, that I would get to where ever I was headed safely without issue. It took me a few weeks after the virus to even feel comfortable driving. I was terrified of my own self. And I didn't know why.

I began to ponder and really think to myself, "What is going on?" So many things came up. One being me currently unemployed. I remember feeling so stuck and powerless while at home regaining my strength. There were days where I did not want to leave the house, fearful that I might catch something from the flu ridden streets of the city. I felt like if I had a job to go to after getting better then maybe I wouldn't be so depressed and unsure of everything around me. Instead I was home-bound, anxious to get out but I felt like I didn't know how. I wanted to be reassured, embraced by my sister whom I thought wasn't there for me enough. She would generally be my go to person in a chaos filled frenzy, but her life is different now, so I didn't feel like I could reach out to her. Though her and I discussed my fears and feelings, at the time I was filled with more questions and no guidance to fix my new found panic.

Upon countless back and forth doctor visits and tests done to narrow down what was going on with me my doctor asked, "Are you anxious about something?" I hadn't been asked that by anyone. And I did not know quite how to respond. My doctor's take that the acid reflux I had been experiencing was long gone, but now there's still something bothering me. He asked if I wanted to talk to someone at their office. I agreed. It was interesting that for my thesis I am writing about mental health and the different dynamics that accompany this notion as a Black woman. And here I was, the scared, semi-panicked young woman afraid to voice her thoughts when she almost never held back.

My ability to see all that January was as a lesson and a platform for positive change, took some prepping. I found it so hard to see the bright side that could be. But I did not want to be stuck anymore, fearing everything. Being secure is something I will always want, but being sound and capable is what I know that I need. For my own self-worth and expression.

I can already see something great brewing for myself, my family, friends. My challenge is to stop second guessing, go to bed at a decent hour, keep writing, apply to more jobs, and think of nothing but new. New frame of my identity, new lessons, new beginnings, new love, new power. I am not starting over. I am continuing, sustaining, progressing. I have a burning heart to liftoff and evolve.

From my heart to yours,

*E