In the middle

Have you ever been in a situation that had nothing or very little to do with you, but it affects you very closely? You try to be the voice of reason or peacemaker and yet you end up feeling hurt or in the middle. This is how I feel. It is a situation or pivotal time for me right now as I do my very best to focus on what my goals are personally and professionally. But I keep hitting these road blocks or detours. How did I become the scapegoat? It sucks because I do not want to be the excuse as to why individuals are trying to fake it for me. It's a hard discussion to full out disclose and though I have shared this personal present with some I still don't like even bringing it up. It just brings up so many hurtful feelings and it messes up my focus, throwing me off what is priority.

As I type this I feel anxious, disoriented and just blah. I woke up feeling pretty good, maybe somewhat tired but otherwise good. I am the type of person that even the slightest sign of negativity on someone else's end can bring down my mood almost instantly. Today I tried really hard to ignore said negativity and get back to the good mood I was in, but I couldn't block it and I was immediately upset and angry. And now I am trying to pick myself back up.

I prayed for about five minutes not long ago and I asked the Lord for many things but I prayed for the people around me. I prayed for their own strength, their humility, their possible need for forgiveness for their actions, and while I cannot cleanse someone else from their faults I felt the urge to pray for their mishaps. I know in my heart that this situation and impending decision is not my doing, I did not cause the friction. However, it is hurtful that I feel in the middle of this nonsense.

And so, for my own sanity and need to clear this current burning sensation of anxiety surrounding my chest I think that I need to move out of my home more swiftly than planned. No, I do not have the funds to do so but how else can I take that chance I need for ME to experience life as an adult, doing my own thing, exploring a new beginning without apology? In my eyes it is the ONLY way for everyone to be happy, not “sticking around” or attempting to “keep the peace” on my behalf. I cannot take the pressure and angst any longer.

I am ready to run, fly, on my own. I am desperately wanting to get enough cash to get me started, rent a room, and just BE. I am hopeful the restaurant job I went on an interview for is still available so that I have a job lined up. The manager wanted to hire me then back in April of this year but he was not certain of my capability to commute from a long distance away. Prayerfully my circumstances change and I can take on the challenge and new start in a new city.

As this blog surrounds the importance of health it is imperative that I reiterate that mentally one's well being IS serious. It is how we all function and deal with every day life. If I am sitting around down and out or constantly worrying about the “status” of a played out occurrence, how can I cope with it if I don't address it? Especially since I am confronted with it almost daily by those closest to me. I NEED my sanity, I WANT my undeniable happiness.

I no longer want to be in the middle. So I can't think of a better time to untie myself from the same and place myself in front, because I deserve it.

From my heart to yours,

-Lish

Dear summer....

Dear summer,

I have not typed nor have I written many words these last few weeks. Somehow my brain seems locked down, on pause, and unable to really sit down and fuse my thoughts together. Jumbled slightly, and almost feeling like I have nothing to write about. Well, maybe that isn't all the way true because writing is what drives me, it is my outlet to express myself when I cannot verbally say what's going on inside. The summertime sweat of a job that seems vacant, home life that needs a fresh coat of paint, a summer love not quite in site, I haven't given myself the space and time to achieve some goals. Granted I have been coming home after 7pm these last few weeks so the main thing on my mind is rest.

Once home when I thought I would work on a task I'd end up pushing it in the back of my brain, then forgetting the next day or having the same attitude, “I'll do it tomorrow.” But summer as August has crept in already I am aware how time is crucial and that I cannot delay on certain goals. True the biggest goal/dream of all getting a full time job that I will no doubt love, WITH benefits, vacation days, the whole deal. However I cannot predict when that hiring opportunity will come (praying soon), but I can at the very least be proactive.

It has been a struggle with how my emotions are like the rollercoaster I will no longer ride at amusement parks, up then down, spiraling, coasting, speeding up. And with you almost gone summer I envy how much more fun I wanted to have basking in the glory of your steamy air, being carefree and being delighted in my adventures. Truth, you are not yet over so the coulda, woulda I cannot begin to partake in.

There are goals and dreams I know can be reality and sometimes the smallest things I turn into a project. I just thought of how I think of the items I want to achieve as a “list” or “tasks.” It sounds so generic and cliché, and yes it is what it is but I keep thinking that the labeling of these items is so standard and not fun. Perhaps I am thinking of it too hard or maybe I need to think of these lists as something else? Not sure but I guess the main thing is to just stick to a plan and get er done!

I CANNOT sit back anymore and waste time. I know I get tired easily from the headache of job searching but I do have a lot of positive goals that I need to keep working towards like my book of poetry, my writing in general, and my support group Blossom. These are things that mean a lot to me. But as I said, somewhere summer I stumbled, I got stuck, fearful, tired, and simply didn't give myself the time, energy, or space to work on what could be going right.

As my neck is still a bit stiff from a muscle strain somehow from last night while sleeping, all I want to do is lay down and count some sheep. Just sitting up right now is a little annoying with some pain but I need to get some things accomplished. The main thing is to not be upset if one or two things don't get done. I am beginning again to start somewhere, right here, and I can't stop.

Thanks for listening summer. From my heart to yours....

-Lish