Dear summer....

Dear summer,

I have not typed nor have I written many words these last few weeks. Somehow my brain seems locked down, on pause, and unable to really sit down and fuse my thoughts together. Jumbled slightly, and almost feeling like I have nothing to write about. Well, maybe that isn't all the way true because writing is what drives me, it is my outlet to express myself when I cannot verbally say what's going on inside. The summertime sweat of a job that seems vacant, home life that needs a fresh coat of paint, a summer love not quite in site, I haven't given myself the space and time to achieve some goals. Granted I have been coming home after 7pm these last few weeks so the main thing on my mind is rest.

Once home when I thought I would work on a task I'd end up pushing it in the back of my brain, then forgetting the next day or having the same attitude, “I'll do it tomorrow.” But summer as August has crept in already I am aware how time is crucial and that I cannot delay on certain goals. True the biggest goal/dream of all getting a full time job that I will no doubt love, WITH benefits, vacation days, the whole deal. However I cannot predict when that hiring opportunity will come (praying soon), but I can at the very least be proactive.

It has been a struggle with how my emotions are like the rollercoaster I will no longer ride at amusement parks, up then down, spiraling, coasting, speeding up. And with you almost gone summer I envy how much more fun I wanted to have basking in the glory of your steamy air, being carefree and being delighted in my adventures. Truth, you are not yet over so the coulda, woulda I cannot begin to partake in.

There are goals and dreams I know can be reality and sometimes the smallest things I turn into a project. I just thought of how I think of the items I want to achieve as a “list” or “tasks.” It sounds so generic and cliché, and yes it is what it is but I keep thinking that the labeling of these items is so standard and not fun. Perhaps I am thinking of it too hard or maybe I need to think of these lists as something else? Not sure but I guess the main thing is to just stick to a plan and get er done!

I CANNOT sit back anymore and waste time. I know I get tired easily from the headache of job searching but I do have a lot of positive goals that I need to keep working towards like my book of poetry, my writing in general, and my support group Blossom. These are things that mean a lot to me. But as I said, somewhere summer I stumbled, I got stuck, fearful, tired, and simply didn't give myself the time, energy, or space to work on what could be going right.

As my neck is still a bit stiff from a muscle strain somehow from last night while sleeping, all I want to do is lay down and count some sheep. Just sitting up right now is a little annoying with some pain but I need to get some things accomplished. The main thing is to not be upset if one or two things don't get done. I am beginning again to start somewhere, right here, and I can't stop.

Thanks for listening summer. From my heart to yours....

-Lish