So here we are, the end of a year that will be known as last year in 2013. But for me known as: THE STRANGEST, HEARTWRENCHING, HAPPY, PROUD, SCARY, HUNGRY, UNSURE about everything year. I honestly have no clue where the months went, I can clearly feel myself in early January watching the ball drop with my parents and saying, "Yes 2013 is MY year!" But don't we all say that? Not that it can't be true but I began my year of 2013 so full of hope and drive that I never felt before. But just days after singing "Auld Lang Syne" I caught a horrible virus which led me to take about three different trips to the E.R., experiencing dehydration, crowded emergency rooms, visits to my primary doctor, a cardiologist, endocrinologist, therapist and then a gastro doctor, all to see what the heck was going on with me, and that was all in the month of January. I started to experience heart palpitations, anxiety and just weird thoughts like I was going to die, all of these fears came about after that virus. I had never experienced anything like it before and it terrified me. It got to the point where some nights I would sleep in the bed with my mom or she in my bed because I kept feeling so afraid and panicky about everything. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't feel like me, Elishia anymore.
After a number of doctor visits many came to the conclusion that I was fine and maybe the virus just threw some things in my body out of whack. Though I did start to experience heartburn right after the virus, again something I hadn't experienced before and it led me to think something was going on with my heart or something else was wrong! Finally after one more trip fast forwarding to April the gastro doctor decided/diagnosed me with GERD which essentially is dealing with acid reflux. It took me some time to have that settle in, I kept thinking, "How could I have that? I've never really had heartburn before?" And then there was the hunger, I would eat food (lots of food) and feel very hungry shortly after. The doctor didn't really have an answer for that. But he seemed certain about the GERD. Frankly I think it may all be in my head. But I have rolled with the GERD punches and take the medicine as prescribed. So 2013 began rough, the road of some gridlock, some jams, detours, I was all over the place.
But there were some major highlights:
From August 2012-April 2013 I diligently worked on and completed my 80 paged Master's thesis project!
Drove in May from Philly to Ohio and back for the first time to pick up my Grams who came to visit
In May 2013 I turned 26, presented my thesis, graduated with my degree
During the summer I spontaneously drove to Brooklyn/Coney Island New York for a day trip with my closest friend of 8 years, we had a blast
Alone I read some of my poetry at a spoken word night, just cause I felt like it
Went on two dates with two TOTALLY different guys, very interesting guys but nothing came of it (eh, plenty mo fish in the sea!)
Attended many job fairs and even some interviews this year
I was a book club instructor/lead counselor for girls ages 10-14 this summer at a camp
I have been freelance writing for one full year
My cousin Maggie got engaged then delivered her first child Felicity November 16th
My sister got proposed to this December, the 20th
After much procrastination I rearranged/cleaned out my closet, it's almost color coordinated :-)
Despite a decreased income I have been able to pay my bills and more importantly my car loan & insurance
Though my health insurance was cut shortly after, I made it to the dentist, no cavities!
To my surprise I got hired they day of my interview for a part-time job at a museum
My family's dynamic has been through changes but my parents have managed to keep the peace
Through many hurdles I can see and taste my goals career and personal coming to fruition
I am here, alive, able...
I admit I came too close to giving up, not on my life but just from trying to make the bigger goals happen. I had been feeling like maybe I wasn't ready for ALL that I want to accomplish. But that isn't true, I have never been more ready and able to accomplish the goals big and small that I set out for myself. It has been hard to sit in one place and really dissect what I should be doing and planning. I haven't given myself enough room and space to really say:
"You know what you got it, you CAN succeed. Forget who told you in the past that you couldn't. You've made things happen for yourself, you HAVE achieved so much and there is more to come."
There hasn't been a better time for me to give myself the room to grow, the room to believe in every little marble of my abilities. I was so caught up on what the last person said, or the last email rejection told me, this that and more. I have let setbacks and temporary happenings become a downfall, and that shouldn't be. But yesterday there was light on a shiny sun-filled morning in route to work I decided to play a little gospel music, something serene and comforting. I became so emotional by the words that I started to cry. Instead of stopping myself I let the tears fall, I closed my eyes and I thanked God for my life, I tapped my feet to the beat of the singer's voice and the words really spoke to me. I dabbed my face with an available tissue in my pocket and let the release happen, whether or not someone saw me I did not care. I needed to cry. I don't think I have ever stated that, but I did. And I didn't necessarily wake up angry but there was a weight on my shoulders and I needed it off.
I'm sure there is more releasing of emotions that I need to get out but yesterday I was content that I allowed myself to cry, to feel, to understand that it is ok to feel worry and strain but that I don't need to led it consume me. Yeah, I only have $11 bucks in my checking account and about $10 in my wallet, but with that I am rich in knowing that it ain't permanent. I am rich in believing that there is light after every tunnel, and I can see it, the fresh start, the big and small dreams coming true.
Light,
bright
beaming,
then there's me
shining.
From my heart to yours,
*Lish
